Depressing Poem

Well, I wrote a poem this week. I was going to send it to you all... but
1. I left it back at the pad on accident. and
2. It wouldn't make any of you very happy.

You see I have been very contemplative this past week. I don't think that it is a coincidence that I have received an attitude change just as the New Year started. It is ironic though. In Church yesterday I bore my testimony about how before my mission a bunch of people came up to me and told me how excited they were for me to change. I thought to myself "What, you don't like me how I am now???!!!" For the last almost 6 months of my mission I have been afraid of change. I didn't want to change because I was afraid that if I did... none of my friends of family would like me when I came back. Because of this fear I have had, I have not only hurt myself but others. What I didn't realize is that I will still be the same person (like BJ said in his last letter). Also, any change that is going to happen to me will be positive change. The lord is trying to shape me into a worthy man and future Father. I didn't want to be an adult. I also didn't want to be stuck doing things the rest of my life that I didn't want to do. But like I was saying I had quite the week.

It started with Lim getting mad at me for what I thought at the time was a very small thing. A little while later he came to me and told me to look at things from his perspective, and then he described the situation. I realized and experienced something I thought I knew all along... but really I didn't. My decisions affect other people. I have been very, very selfish; not only before my mission, but on my mission. I am looking back at my life now, with my new perspective on change and a realization of my past selfish hypocrisy. I have been embarrassed of many things I have done and said to many of you. I am so sorry. I hope as I use the atonement to fix these things, that you can all use the atonement to fully forgive me. I realize that I don't deserve it, but I can't imagine my life without any of you.

Yesterday in church Zorina Zamir got the Holy Ghost. It was a fast meeting and there was a great spirit. Then in class, Brother Meldrom (1st councilor) was in class and he said some things in the lesson that really helped change my perspective too. The timing was probably the key element, but he seemed to say exactly what I was feeling. The Lesson was on Heavenly Father, I made a comment about how heavenly father receives his Joy by helping us to progress and grow. Bro Meldrom’s comment was something to add on to what I said. It was something along the lines of how when he was younger he wanted to be an astronaut and he refused to have a desk job. But now that he is married he would be happy to get any job, because what really makes him happy (or have joy) is his family and helping them progress and live well. Just like our heavenly father.

I realized, if I have any job to support my family that is awesome. That won't change my interests or who I am. I can still jam with friends and play music for fun. I’m realizing now that the world does not revolve around me. I'm not any more special than anyone else. God loves us all. This life is temporary.

Any way.....
ig2g Love Sam